Every time I try to take her hiking, she throws a tremendous fit and refuses to cooperate, making the whole outing a miserable experience, and leaving me feeling exasperated and inadequate. Last time, we’d gotten only a few hundred feet down the trail before she stubbornly turned around and headed back for the car. When I tried to intervene and stop her, she screamed and cried and pulled on my arms. It was not only frustrating, but embarrassing for me in front of the friends we were trying to hike with. In the end, I found myself telling her that she could only have the new book that was waiting for her at home if she went on the hike, but didn’t feel great about having to resort to a bribe. She conceded to going on the hike, but still wined and fussed the whole time. Do I give her the book?! How do I avoid getting into this situation again? Do I have to give up hiking for good?
Please Help!
Fiending for Fresh Air
Advice
Dear Fiending,
Have you asked your daughter why she doesn’t like hiking? Understanding her reason may help you get to the bottom of why these fits are occurring. Some reasons might be an easy fix, for example, if her shoes are uncomfortable, or the pace is too fast. She might have emotional reasons that simply need to be addressed; being fearful of wildlife, or worried about getting lost are reasonable concerns for her to have, and may just require some basic reassurance on your part. Ask about how she’s feeling (without asking leading questions) and see what comes up. Show curiosity and seek to understand her experience.
Additionally, your daughter’s age will influence the best approach to take in the moment. With a toddler or young child, keeping your response true, brief, positive, and firm is the most reliable: “It seems like you’re not very excited about hiking today. Nevertheless, that’s what our family has chosen, so we’ll still be going”. You can also offer limited choices to help your child feel like they’ve made the decision to cooperate (being careful to only make offers you’re willing to follow through on) for example: “We all need to go on the hike together, butyou can choose whether you want to (a) walk on your own or (b) hold my hand.” You might find yourself needing to assert “No, going back to the car is not an option at this time.”
If your child is 6 or older, you may be able to explain things to her using logic. “Exercise is important for our bodies, and today we’re getting our exercise by hiking. I realize hiking isn’t your favorite, but that’s what our family has chosen for today. In the future, I’m happy to listen to your preferences and consider them when creating our exercise plan.” Regardless of the child’s age, if they’re so upset that they are adamantly refusing, screaming, pulling on your arm, etc. I would suggest finding an out-of-the-way place to sit down and wait it out. Pull them aside, (take a deep breath and) explain calmly to your child that it’s not okay for them to pull on your arm, and that no matter how loudly they cry, you’re not going to change your mind about the hike. Express sympathy and understanding, and try relating to their feelings (“I know what it’s like to not feel like doing something”) but maintain your composure and don’t give in to the tantrum. Likewise, try not to give it any more energy than you must. Once you’ve said your piece, and you’ve reassured your child that you hear them, you understand how they’re feeling, and that the hike will still be happening, it’s best to pull your energy back and let them calm down. You can let them know, “It’s okay to feel strongly like you do. You can take some deep breaths to calm down, and when you’re ready, we’ll continue our hike.” If it’s safe, you may even consider giving your child a little bit of physical space while they work to regain composure. Take the opportunity for some deep breaths yourself while you wait for them to be ready. Depending upon your child’s level of willfulness on this day, be prepared to wait a while, and focus on savoring those extra breaths of fresh air. Check in with them when they seem calm, or simply wait and allow them to come to you when they’re ready to continue the hike.
Additional considerations: Is this the only time your child uses these behavioral strategies? If you’re finding yourself struggling with tantrums in other times and settings, it’s time to take a deeper look at what’s feeding these patterns… Are the tantrums working to get your child what they want? Even if the answer is “only sometimes”, when the expectations and limits we set lack firmness, or are overly flexible (or directly dependent on the volume of their cries) then we can expect any child to exploit their parent or caregiver’s inconsistency to the greatest extent possible. If a strategy is successful--even once--any intelligent being is likely to repeat the strategy. Setting a new course with your child will require a consistent approach to limits, and a concerted effort to say what you mean, mean what you say, and follow-through on your “No’s” until you prove to your child that their previous strategy of trantruming is no longer effective. Keep seeking support and know you’re in good company! Get plenty of fresh air (with and without your daughter) and remember, if you put one foot in front of the other, you’ll always continue down your path.
Stay strong,
Maria
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