Dear Maria, My elementary aged daughter is prone to getting frustrated and giving up when something is mildly difficult.

She is very self-directed and gets really absorbed in her own projects, but it can be hard to get her to engage in things if she doesn't immediately find them easy.

Signed, Frustrated

Advice

Dear Frustrated,

First off this is normal for most children. It is not bad thing, they just need to learn to push through and keep working on things that are difficult.  

The best thing to do is to be honest with her. You can tell her, "Some things come naturally to you and some things take more time and effort. I understand it can be frustrating or annoying but everyone has things that are hard for them. It does not mean we give up or neglect those things, we have to work hard and practice to get better." Emphasize to your child that it does not mean they are dumb or stupid it simply means that it is something they need to keep working on. Use an example of something they have already learned to reinforce this concept: Remember when it was difficult to tie your shoes, but now you can do it.

I also recommend watching the TED talk on Grit, and the TED talk on Growth Mindset versus Fixed Mindset. Each are very helpful. Experts focus a lot of their research on your exact question! The key is to help your child understand it is normal for some things to take more effort. Encourage them to persevere and reassure them that they can do it. Some things just come more naturally but you cannot just do what's easy in life. It doesn't work that way.

Keep up the hard work,

Maria

__

To submit questions, please email admin@littleoakmontessori subject line “Dear Maria.”

* If we did not answer your question this week, will answer it in a future newsletter.

Dear Maria

This week instead of answering questions sent in by parents, we want to share a message our Children's House Lead Guides shared with parents on Monday morning after a weekend of nationwide protests.

In light of the very socially charged time we are in, I feel moved to share some ideas on how to talk to your children about uncomfortable subjects such as race, protests, and inequity. We don't shy away from any topic in the classroom, but since we aren't in the classroom together, I don't feel able to truly dive into this discussion with your children as I normally would. What I can offer instead is support for you on how to approach these very important topics at home with your children.

Many of us were brought up to be “color blind”, to not “see” race, or to outright ignore someone’s skin color in an effort to equalize. When we resist discussing race with our kids, we teach our children to be color-silent. Silence about race often reinforces racism. Though no one is ‘born racist’, we are all born into a country based on systemic racism, and it’s been shown that young children DO indeed notice race (as early as six months old!) and often have many questions as they attempt to make sense of their world. While we might not always know what to say, we can reflect tolerance, understanding and empathy. Don't be afraid to discuss and celebrate diversity, applauding our beautiful differences and our similarities. Our differences are part of our identity, so be careful not to overlook the value and beauty of our differences when talking about skin color with children!

When discussing race with kids, it's important to be concrete. Skin color is determined by how much melanin you have in your body. Someone with darker skin has more melanin, but it's something we all have inside. Focus on the unfairness of racism, work to highlight peaceful resistance and the work of allies.

When discussing protests, be true and brief. A protest happens when people disagree with something and feel the need to speak out about it. Many protests are peaceful gatherings of people who are seeking justice. People who protest are called 'protestors'. Protests are also a way to speak up for people who are less able to speak up for themselves.

Here is a quick listen from NPR about how to discuss race with your kids. It's 20 minutes long and well worth the listen!

Angela Davis said, "In a racist society, it is not enough to be non-racist. We must be anti-racist." Like many other white people, I have recently become aware of my own implicit bias, and the need to commit (and re-commit daily) to continued Anti-bias/Anti-Racist (or “ABAR”) work. As an educator and ally for people of color, it is of utmost importance to me to continue doing this work with the children, especially during this time when “social distancing” rules so much of our lives. I imagine many in our community may feel a pressing need to educate and organize around peaceful resistance. You can read up on anti-racist training with these books: Me and White Supremacy by Layla Saad, and How to Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi.

Our staff is working together to compile a comprehensive list of child-centered resources for our community on this topic. Be on the lookout for more on this from us in the coming weeks, and in the meantime, please don’t hesitate to reach out to any member of our amazing staff--for further support or guidance as you navigate these challenging and emotionally charged topics!

That said, we want to stress that it's perfectly fine to table a topic for another time if you don't know what to say in the moment (ex: "That’s a great question! Let's look for some books and learn about it together.") We feel it's critical to educate ourselves and our children on ways to dismantle and disrupt racism in our community, and to model for our children that we ourselves are also continuing to grow in this department. Let's be allies together!

__

To submit questions, please email admin@littleoakmontessori subject line “Dear Maria.”

* If we did not answer your question this week, will answer it in a future newsletter.

Dear Maria, My almost five year old daughter has a short attention span for most work during distance learning.

We have a toddler who interrupts as well, making it challenging for me to focus on the work/older child. Any ideas for helping grow attention span? There is a lot of creative/independent play that happens during the day, so maybe now is not the time to worry about sustained interest. 

Signed, 

Unfocused in Underwood 

Advice

Dear Unfocused, 

You are not alone in this struggle! With families all occupying the same space during the day, there are bound to be countless distractions, diversions and rabbit holes to chase for us all. It takes a lot of persistence and a strong will to stay on task. Unless the activity is perfectly aligned with our child’s will and abilities, it’s likely unable to hold the same weight it would within a classroom of inspired and inspiring peers. 

However, it’s important to note that this challenge of distraction is not unique to the home environment. Unlike conventional public school settings, where all children are doing more or less the same thing at the same time, the Montessori classroom is a bustling place full of potential distractions and diversions. There’s a ton of movement, instruments playing, friends having a chat, children moving this way and that all doing something different at the same time. This design is purposeful- we know that children can develop even stronger skills of concentration when given the space and time to practice coming back to an activity that draws them in. 

** Notice how I mentioned the activity ‘drawing them in’? Check in with the activity/work- is it interesting to your child? Can you shift the focus so it becomes interesting? Is it fun and empowering? Does it inspire focus? This is crucial! If an activity seems to not directly inspire your child, you can always reach out to your child’s Guide to discuss strategies for making it more relevant/inspiring to your child in this moment. There’s probably a way to turn the lesson into a game, challenge or opportunity for movement!

One ‘unseen’ element that makes concentration in the midst of chaos possible is the grace & courtesy lessons that go along with our bustling environment. Grace and courtesy lessons are introduced formally, by the Guide or Assistant and are modeled time and time again by the elders in the environment and by the teachers. The lesson starts out in a small group gathering with the words, for instance “I’m going to show you what it looks like when someone’s concentrating” and that exact thing is modeled carefully. Then the Guide transfers the action to a willing student, “Stella, you can show us what it looks like when you’re concentrating.’’ We use these lessons to share social graces and courtesies that are often expected of children, out of context so they can practice the skill and gain it without feeling blame or shame. Their absorbent minds soak up the opportunity to learn this way! 

Protecting concentration is paramount in the Montessori classroom and deserves a great deal of focus. We center many grace and courtesy lessons around protecting concentration. We model ‘what to do when someone’s concentrating’ (*observe silently, without touching their work, or just simply walk by them quietly*). We also model ‘what to say if someone is disturbing your work’ (*calmly say, ‘I need space.’*) And then follow that up with ‘what to do when someone says, “I need space.” (*walk away!*) The possibilities are endless and our choice of what to show comes directly from observation of the children’s activity in the classroom. 

In order to protect concentration in your home:

• Set up and prepare an environment where each of your children has a place for their activities and supplies as well as a space for working. These spaces can be separate or near one another. The materials and supplies should be orderly and limited to ensure your children can accomplish set up and clean up before and after an activity. 

• Establish a routine that works for your family and stick to it! Even toddlers thrive with routine- so long as their routine has their interests and needs in mind. Decide a time of day when focusing and concentration can happen, like 9-10 am and again at 1:00-2:30 pm for non-nappers. Observe your children’s most productive time of day and offer school time during that window. 

• Discuss what it looks like and what it means to concentrate with all your children. Practice modeling concentration for one another, like we do with the grace and courtesy lessons, and practice what to do when someone asks for space. 

• Be sure your toddler has plenty of age appropriate activities to center and focus their attention, and be ready with backup activities when concentration strikes for your older children. You can always whisk your toddler away to the garden to look for bugs or to the other room to read a book. Ask your toddler, ‘what would you like to concentrate with right now?’ Help them get engaged and step back when they’re concentrating. 

• Check in with the activity- is your child interested? How can we make it MORE interesting? Is there any incentive to ‘finish it’? Often, the allure of staples creates the want to make a written booklet or complete a full series. 

• A preschool/kinder child builds concentration by working with something in their hands- sewing, drawing, beading, and clay are all wonderful activities for building concentration and task-persistence. 

• Model being unavailable sometimes too, for a short time, while you focus on a book or finishing a conversation. Let concentration be a part of your day, too, and let that be felt by all!  

• Help your children by being sure not to distract them yourself. Learn to spot and protect concentration, and share it with the other adults in your life. So often, we want to jump in and fill the child’s experience with our own interpretation and influence. It’s well intentioned, but we must learn to let our children have their own revelations and discoveries!

Dr. Montessori shared this food for thought: 

“Praise, help, or even a look, may be enough to interrupt him, or destroy the activity. It seems a strange thing to say, but this can happen even if the child merely becomes aware of being watched. After all, we too sometimes feel unable to go on working if someone comes to see what we are doing. The great principle which brings success to the teacher is this: as soon as concentration has begun, act as if the child does not exist. Naturally, one can see what he is doing with a quick glance, but without his being aware of it.”

Montessori’s revelations about the nature of childhood came through observing their desire for concentration and self-formation. She noticed that from a very early age, children thrive when they are set up to explore with work matched to their interests and ability, that concentration, flow and great satisfaction follow. Dr. Montessori said, “The first essential for the child’s development is concentration. The child who concentrates is immensely happy.” 

Best of luck to you in this continued time of ‘distance learning’ and quarantine. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to your child’s Guide to discuss ideas, activities and supports for home! 

Sincerely, 

Maria

__

To submit questions, please email admin@littleoakmontessori subject line “Dear Maria.”

* If we did not answer your question this week, will answer it in a future newsletter.

Dear Maria, My daughter is in 1st grade at a public school and was already behind in reading before Covid-19 distance learning started.

She would attend “Reading Zone” at school where she got one on one support with reading and it was helping. I have no idea what they did in the reading zone and am not sure how to help my daughter continue to improve her reading skills at home. What would you do?

Thanks,

Distance Learning Parent

Advice

Dear Distance Learning Parent,

This might sound radical, but having a 1st grader who is ‘behind’ in reading is not something to stress over. You can’t really ever be ‘behind’. Everyone learns to read at a different pace and a different age. Learning to read in the second grade is normal, and some students don’t become fluent readers until third grade. This is not to say you shouldn’t do anything, but don’t allow the stress to drive you. Learning to read is a beautiful experience and should be treated that way. It is like unlocking a great intellectual treasure chest in your mind.   

There are a few important steps that will help your child learn to read. Some students complete five steps in an hour while others need to practice each step along the way. I will lay out three main pillars of learning to read as well as some resources I use as a teacher and a suggested daily schedule.

First let’s put learning to read into perspective. If you look back at all of human history, we have only been reading for 20,000 years at most. Our brains are still evolving today in order to store all the data needed to read. This is a new evolutionary skill for all humans. It is naturally hard. Having a little difficulty with something as intricate as reading is not something to be ashamed of, it just takes hard work and determination.  

My first piece of advice is to tell your child the truth. “This is going to be hard, but it is a skill you need to learn. I know it might seem really difficult now, but if we work together and practice every day, you will learn to read!” Be honest and assure her that you will help her as much as you can. This is her 'Big Work’ right now: the main thing she is going to focus on. It is OK for it to be hard. She has no control over that. What she can control is that she tries her hardest every day.

Pillar 1

In order to make sure the learning process is not just drudgery, you will read to her for about 30 minutes a day. Everyday. You will do all the reading. She should be on your lap or next to you so she can see the words if she chooses and fully experience the story. This is precious bonding time. Choose a book that will interest her and spark her imagination. First graders love books like Stuart Little (E.B. White), Cricket in Times Square (George Selden),Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White), or Amelia Bedelia (Peggy Parish). Interrupting Chicken (David Ezra Stein) and Tackey the Penguin (Helen Lester) are also funny, longer picture books.

You can follow along with your finger and see if she notices. This is an important part of the reading process. If she doesn’t have a love for stories, there is less motivation to learn such a difficult task. Find something that really draws her in and she wants to hear more of.

Pillar 2

Now you will read with her for about 20 minutes a day where she is doing the reading. Have her read a page, then you read a page, then her, then you. This makes it a little easier. Make sure to isolate the words she is reading. Cover up the rest of the words with a notecard, or simply use your hand. If she is easily distracted by the pictures, cover the pictures while she reads. One of my favorite tricks is to hand a child a piece of Sculpey to knead while reading. Many children need something to do with their hands while they are reading. This can really help, but keep an open mind. If it becomes a distraction, take it away.

This will be the hardest activity. She will try to distract you and change the subject. Don’t engage, just remind her she is reading you a book. You can always tell her, “I am going to close my eyes and just listen.” Then do it. Let her sound out the words. She can read more than she thinks.

There are many resources online to help you find the appropriate books. Try the Step Into Reading book.  http://www.stepintoreading.com/book-finder/step/1/sort/step.  

There are many other guided 1st grade reading books. The Bob Books and the I Can Readbooks are classic. They don’t have much of a plot, and children tend to get bored easily when reading them, but they are also popular. Here is another good resource for level appropriate books. https://www.readingrockets.org/

Pillar 3

The last, and most important step, is to teach reading in a step by step, phonetic manner. I personally love the Explode the Code workbook series. The workbooks teach children to read using the Orton-Gillingham program. Orton-Gillingham is a scientifically proven program that teaches children to read through direct, systematic, phonics instruction. It works!! Because I do not know your child’s current level you will want to read the workbooks’ table of contents to determine her level. If you are unsure, just buy book 1 and 2 and see where she is. These books continue going up by half levels. They work.

Once you receive the books, you will need to find a time for her to work on about 2 pages a day. If she can do more, encourage her to do more! Your goal is 20 minutes of focused work. It might take a week or two for her to get there, be patient and understanding, but hold the line. She won’t learn to read without some hard work. I buy my Explode the Code books here.

https://www.christianbook.com/explode-the-code-book-1/9780838878019/pd/878021

Suggested Daily Schedule. 

Every day, after breakfast, have her complete at least two Explode the Code pages. She should be able to do this mostly on her own. After a few weeks, start having her complete 3 or 4 pages a day. This should take about 20-30 minutes. Be consistent and firm. She might not want to do it at first.

After she is done in the workbook, have her work on something else for a while and then have a snack to recharge. Once she has cleaned up her snack, sit and read with her for 20 minutes. This is where she is reading to you. After about a month, extend this to 25-30 minutes. Don’t require her to read to you for more than 30 minutes a day, it is hard work, but if she wants to, go for it!  

In the afternoon or evening read to her for 30+ minutes. You should be reading books you think she will like. You are showing her the joy of books, read her the gems! This is just as important as the other steps so do your best to read to her every day.  

One final thing to consider is when she will be doing all of this work. Reading is tiring for a struggling reader. Practicing in the morning is always easier than in the afternoon. Make sure she is hydrated and has had enough to eat. This is going to be the hardest thing she does all day. Help her to succeed.

I hope this helps. It will take a $30-$40 investment and about 2 hours a day. Having the right materials and mindset are essential when teaching your child to read. I can’t say this enough, so I’ll say it one more time. Have fun with it. This might be the only time you ever teach a child to read. It is a truly magical experience.

Maria

__

To submit questions, please email admin@littleoakmontessori subject line “Dear Maria.”

* If we did not answer your question this week, will answer it in a future newsletter.

Dear Maria, My daughter is driving me nuts!

Every time I try to take her hiking, she throws a tremendous fit and refuses to cooperate, making the whole outing a miserable experience, and leaving me feeling exasperated and inadequate. Last time, we’d gotten only a few hundred feet down the trail before she stubbornly turned around and headed back for the car. When I tried to intervene and stop her, she screamed and cried and pulled on my arms. It was not only frustrating, but embarrassing for me in front of the friends we were trying to hike with. In the end, I found myself telling her that she could only have the new book that was waiting for her at home if she went on the hike, but didn’t feel great about having to resort to a bribe. She conceded to going on the hike, but still wined and fussed the whole time. Do I give her the book?! How do I avoid getting into this situation again? Do I have to give up hiking for good? 

Please Help!

Fiending for Fresh Air

Advice

Dear Fiending,

Have you asked your daughter why she doesn’t like hiking? Understanding her reason may help you get to the bottom of why these fits are occurring. Some reasons might be an easy fix, for example, if her shoes are uncomfortable, or the pace is too fast. She might have emotional reasons that simply need to be addressed; being fearful of wildlife, or worried about getting lost are reasonable concerns for her to have, and may just require some basic reassurance on your part. Ask about how she’s feeling (without asking leading questions) and see what comes up. Show curiosity and seek to understand her experience.

Additionally, your daughter’s age will influence the best approach to take in the moment. With a toddler or young child, keeping your response true, brief, positive, and firm is the most reliable: “It seems like you’re not very excited about hiking today. Nevertheless, that’s what our family has chosen, so we’ll still be going”. You can also offer limited choices to help your child feel like they’ve made the decision to cooperate (being careful to only make offers you’re willing to follow through on) for example: “We all need to go on the hike together, butyou can choose whether you want to (a) walk on your own or (b) hold my hand.” You might find yourself needing to assert “No, going back to the car is not an option at this time.”  

If your child is 6 or older, you may be able to explain things to her using logic. “Exercise is important for our bodies, and today we’re getting our exercise by hiking. I realize hiking isn’t your favorite, but that’s what our family has chosen for today. In the future, I’m happy to listen to your preferences and consider them when creating our exercise plan.” Regardless of the child’s age, if they’re so upset that they are adamantly refusing, screaming, pulling on your arm, etc. I would suggest finding an out-of-the-way place to sit down and wait it out. Pull them aside, (take a deep breath and) explain calmly to your child that it’s not okay for them to pull on your arm, and that no matter how loudly they cry, you’re not going to change your mind about the hike. Express sympathy and understanding, and try relating to their feelings (“I know what it’s like to not feel like doing something”) but maintain your composure and don’t give in to the tantrum. Likewise, try not to give it any more energy than you must. Once you’ve said your piece, and you’ve reassured your child that you hear them, you understand how they’re feeling, and that the hike will still be happening, it’s best to pull your energy back and let them calm down. You can let them know, “It’s okay to feel strongly like you do. You can take some deep breaths to calm down, and when you’re ready, we’ll continue our hike.” If it’s safe, you may even consider giving your child a little bit of physical space while they work to regain composure. Take the opportunity for some deep breaths yourself while you wait for them to be ready. Depending upon your child’s level of willfulness on this day, be prepared to wait a while, and focus on savoring those extra breaths of fresh air. Check in with them when they seem calm, or simply wait and allow them to come to you when they’re ready to continue the hike. 

Additional considerations: Is this the only time your child uses these behavioral strategies? If you’re finding yourself struggling with tantrums in other times and settings, it’s time to take a deeper look at what’s feeding these patterns… Are the tantrums working to get your child what they want? Even if the answer is “only sometimes”, when the expectations and limits we set lack firmness, or are overly flexible (or directly dependent on the volume of their cries) then we can expect any child to exploit their parent or caregiver’s inconsistency to the greatest extent possible. If a strategy is successful--even once--any intelligent being is likely to repeat the strategy. Setting a new course with your child will require a consistent approach to limits, and a concerted effort to say what you mean, mean what you say, and follow-through on your “No’s” until you prove to your child that their previous strategy of trantruming is no longer effective. Keep seeking support and know you’re in good company! Get plenty of fresh air (with and without your daughter) and remember, if you put one foot in front of the other, you’ll always continue down your path. 

Stay strong,

Maria

__

To submit questions, please email admin@littleoakmontessori subject line “Dear Maria.”

* If we did not answer your question this week, will answer it in a future newsletter.